The Time Traveller's Wife

I knew I shouldn't have set about trying to explain the difference between time travel and teleportation at the club. It would be natural to assume that if you had a time machine you could teleport and vice versa. However as with life ("Life oh life oh life..." - Des'ree), it is not so.


To learn the fundamentals of time travel and teleportation it is necessary to watch two films only. The first concerns the former and is predictably Back To The Future (1985). For teleportation please refer to The Fly (1986). The dates of the films are of no coincidence, one serving to clarify some of the questions left by the other. If you refer to one of my other posts regarding short attention spans and you feel unable to sit through these masterpieces then condensed material exists. An episode of Quantum Leap would suffice the time travel realms whilst The Fly was eloquently parodied by The Simpsons.

Having given you the material there is now the fundamental first law of how not to make friends. Or as I call it, the screening process for interesting friends. To teleport you need two pieces of equipment the secondary of which you place at the required destination. The teleporter is placed where you want to travel from. This differs to time travel in that only the time machine is required. Therefore, by simple logic, you may postulate that you cannot travel back or forward in time with a teleporter as the receiving point must be placed prior to use. Some would say a time machine may be a teleporter but this is beyond the scope of this blog.

What is the point in all of this? Simple - I don't know.
This is not one night stand material.

Pay Attention

I set out to write a short note on how I feel my attention span is diminishing and in the process switched to read the news, checked my Facebook and played with a bit of blue tack on the desk. It is as if my brain is no longer content with fulfilling one task before another request is engaged - and soon another and another - until I have a screen full of open windows and a desk with a cup of coffee and a Venus De Milo perfectly molded out of blue tack. Soon it is a ball of blue tack again. What the fuck has gone wrong here?

The stimulus that we are exposed to compared to even a decade ago has grown exponentially. We can't even content ourselves with listening to a predefined order of music. This is not only killing the music album but is a manifestation of the problem itself. As evil as this is, there is an even darker side to the phenomenon.

The media have reacted to our short wired brains to further exacerbate the problem by distilling the news to fit in that 3 second flash in which our attention can be interrupted from the very last thing we were thinking. This disturbs me as much of the news is complex issues. Our opinion is formed by a headline about a subject we know nothing about. It is with this ease of manipulation that tabloid newspapers can effectively spirit up a lynch mob and send them out to deal the fair and just beating deserved.
At least witches had trials.

I See Signs All The Time

If I am going to print a sign I'm going to have it proof read. This one is subtle and actually took my mind working all at once to figure out what was wrong. In the process I pissed and shat myself (to access the pre-frontal cortex I have to bypass the cingulate gyrus which controls my bladder function). It's like a brain barf in other words.

Yes, -20% off is a double negative implying that I have to pay a fifth more. Almost as fun as the Aroma Coffee sign in Edinburgh which read 'You're cup of coffee' implying that I was a cup of coffee. Genius.

Reviewing Reviews

It's review time at work again. Time to back fill another set of criteria retrospectively. If you're unfamiliar with large corporate management ideology it operates on merit based rewards, matching the company goals to that of your own, making objectives and reporting on them about this time every year. My ass in other words. A whole department has grown around the process. The process of monitoring progress. What was wrong with sticky gold stars? I'm sure we all fit into the Gaussian distribution, but what says +3sigma like a chart full of gold stars.

So I'm stuck with providing examples of how I have been Customer Orientated or contributed to Team Synergy. Yes, Team Synergy. It's become epidemic. Every reasonably sized organisation has bought in these people who justify their jobs by creating ever more inappropriate forms for me to fill in.
There is no need. I will make your form.

Is he/she a Great Bunch Of Lads?
Yes/No
[Delete as appropriate]

Yes, and receive an inflation based pay rise. No, fuck all.

Beef Exports

Holiday photos are shit. Come on. Really. If I need a photo of some landmark or other I'll Google Images (Save Image As...) rather than pointlessly photograph it myself. Look, here's one I took of the Eiffel Tower. Easily passed off as my own even though I've never been wherever it is. But where am I? Where's the Beef? Well it wouldn't particularly matter for the past 3 holidays I have only 3 photos, and I'm only in one.



I include these photos here for posterity. Firstly, If you've ever been in a dodgy lift just be thankful you weren't in Schindler's Lift which I first experienced in Budapest. This is in fact a real lift manufacturer based in the UK.



The next photo is 'Me On Gangs' taken in Krakow outside our apartment. Yes, that door is the door of our apartment and the year is 2008 and the car is real. This apartment is not a patch on Madrid, but I don't have a photo of that. Instead, the only photo from Madrid is this skip. Irish people love construction stuff. And so this is my last 3 holidays in 3 photos. Up yours.

Snow Good For A Blog Title

Firstly, I do not do puns and this title is a take on a pun. What I do like is links, such as when you see a seagull and say 'Look it's Steven Seagal'. With this cleared out of the way let me plough the drift of news that has me snowed out of reading or watching any of it for days. See, it's this sort of colourful language that is easy to do but more annoying to read that has me writing.

When does the weather stop becoming the main news? Give me a list of closed roads, schools and dead pensioners and that'll be it please. Not another estimate of 2 feet of snow or another picture of a fucking bird on a twig or kid on a sledge. I go to fucking work! This brings me to idea of how they measure snow. I'm not entirely sure but I imagine it being a bit like when we measured rainfall at school with half a lemonade bottle. I bet it's just like that but on an industrial scale with a really big bottle, possibly a 3 litre. A bottle of Frosty Jacks would do the trick. Oh fuck, therein comes the imagery again.

Maybe, just maybe, Channel 4 might have some real news. Oh for Christ sake, if it isn't John fucking Snow!

The Realignment Of Keith And Beef

Search volumes for beef have recently passed that for Keith. This may be a seasonal trend such as the recent comeback of Jesus searches over pirates. I'm beginning to suspect that Jesus is a pirate.