The Realignment Of Keith And Beef

Search volumes for beef have recently passed that for Keith. This may be a seasonal trend such as the recent comeback of Jesus searches over pirates. I'm beginning to suspect that Jesus is a pirate.

2016

I had always suspected that the year is arbitrary and according to historians it is highly likely that it is somewhere between 2014 and 2018. I'm again being arbitrary and choosing 2016. You see our year is based on the Christian calender and was calculated many years after Jesus' birth by a monk tasked to do so by the Romans. This level of incompetence has us entering 2010. Really it is just another day.

The astrological clock I can trust, but the actual year number is a load of shite - a reference point for us to track the last couple of thousand years since it was counted. Surely we couldn't have miscounted a whole year since that year zero was set? I've confidence in that. All I know is that I'm still 27. Take it this way, The Earth has orbited The Sun 27 and a bit times since I was born. I've been keeping a close eye on it. Happy 2016.

Sprite

Does anyone remember the advertisement where a guy goes to a drinks vending machine and buys a Sprite and instead he gets a little goblin like thing? Presumably a sprite is a baby goblin. The advert goes on to try and say something along the lines of 'wouldn't you rather have had a Sprite?'. Well no. If I had put fifty pence in a machine and received a goblin sprite instead of the lite refreshment drink I'd have been well chuffed.

It's A Wonderful Life

I thought I would write a review of Christmas. Normally this would be the perfect opportunity to reaffirm my place as the favourite Son of Satan, but I have decided to buck the trend of this blog and give you a few reasons to be hopeful this year. There were no three ghosts for me, but I realised that Scrooge was actually a good man. I had my apparitions in three other ways and here they are...


Spend Spend Spend
Buying Christmas presents is a typically indecisive and frustrating chore. How do I decide which shitty gift pack out of Boots would suit a particularly difficult grandparent? This year I have adapted the 'that'll do' method. It's quite simple. Basically you just look at something, say 'that'll do', and put it in the basket. It could be anything as long as 'that'll do'. My grandmother loved the Black and Decker handy-screw. Quick and efficient and you can afford to leave buying gifts until the last minute as it can all be done in half a day.

The Machine Rages On
The arch capitalist Simon Cowell's pop machine has had a proverbial spanner thrown in the works. Rage Against The Machine are Christmas number one over the pretty Joe something. The effect may be temporary but taken as it is, a fluttering comment rubbishing the charts, it shows that we are not merely a nation of consuming zombies (ironic by the methods by which it was achieved - so we're still suckers).
I fear that Simon Cowell actually believes that he is good for music. Untrue. Being good for music does not mean standing by with a cheque book ready to back the latest soulless puppet singing an existing sure fire ballad, but being good for music means nurturing talent and giving it time to mature. Like a good cheese it will be more expensive. There is a difference between venture capitalism and nurturing talent and making cheese, although realism states that the three must meet somewhere. Simon Cowell does not meet even near the middle. He uses people to sing other peoples songs to be good for his bank balance and in a way that represents the maximum return on investment. This is fine but I feel it unfair to claim otherwise. Rage on!

Che Who?
I'm not sure why but there was a Che Guevara documentary presented by Nick Hancock on TV on Christmas morning. The place of this program on the schedule, when I was expecting a tirade of stale Christmas themed programs was a surprise as was the host whom I hadn't associated with The Revolution. Now I know a little more about the man famed for his t-shirt enterprise - but not enough to wear said t-shirt. This Christmas twist keeps the Red Flag flying inappropriately at the heart of the capitalist wet dream of Christmas. I might have smiled.

These are my reasons why Christmas 2009 was not so bad.