100% All New Beef - Same Old Shit

Where the bloody hell was the Beef? Consistency is the refuge of the unimaginative. I'd been on a long train journey and came off the rails. The Big Man collared me aff. Luckily I jumped a passing wagon only to promptly fall off. So now I'm just kicking stones up a dusty road. If you don't know where you're going any direction will do - but I'm a clever fellow. Roads go somewhere.

Take the yellow brick road. I'd like to meet the scarecrow and torch the fucker. He was a tout. Farewell yellow brick road and welcome back to my journey. To make it home you need to click your red heels while repeating "There's no place like home." So true.

However, I use real technology. With a little help from the Buckfast GPS I was back in the beautiful city of Edinburgh only to be horrified by what I saw.

What the hell happened here? Is this the fall of Rome? No. Some detached city council took a big fucking knife, and left a rotting bleeding torso in the bushes.

Now we commute on buses via the dismembered limbs of our city on an inflated fare and painfully slow service. Now I know the difference between fare and fair. Grant Stott has done well out of it as he's still the face of Ridacard. For those who don't know, Grant Stott is the big faced brother of John Lesley. Similarly to the city, the advertisement no longer shows his body. It must have cost extra.


It is also more confusing to use these buses of rage. So I need to be in the yellow zone, stop YG then race across town in GTA fashion to the next stop, red faced zone stop FOAD. I can only move in eight directions as this is the first GTA. I'm nearly out of time. Fuck I've missed it. Fuck this I'm taking this bus. Get out. Now I'm driving in the rush hour...

Try Thinking

Try praying. Does this mean that we have given up hope? You would get more from tossing yourself off. Try taking affirmative action. Don't give up hope. A message of inspiration from your friend Keith.

Edit: I understand that praying is thinking. Some of the nicest humans I have met are religious and it's a shame that it is ruined by everyone, believer and non-believer. Ladybird and let bee.
"I don't believe in anything". But when I die I will go to Infinity Land.

Sign Of The Times

I am a time travelling salesman of clocks, so in ancient times I sell mostly mounds of earth equally spaced, a bit later they all go crazy for the standing stones, then around the enlightenment the infernal mechanical cogs, tuned to let a distinguished gentleman know when to go hunting, and just now, well there was a transition from crystal based time keepers, in most watches, to the new laser clock that relies on cobalt.

Censeless

In the 1871 UK census people were asked to identify whether they were an imbecile, idiot or lunatic. Nowadays the government enquires on our religion. I think there may have been a clever substitution. However there will be no rant about religion here, for it this question on the recent UK census that had me thinking:


Surely this is a question that is inquiring on ones self esteem more than anything.
It confused me so I ticked 'Well'.

Leftism

Leftism. I discovered about a year ago that my ears are on the wrong way round. My right earphone kept falling out causing me to lose the benefit of stereo. I had become a Cyclops of the music world.


Where did Cyclops' go? When I was a kid they were everywhere and I had to concern myself with such things as lava and piranhas.

Whatever the ear equivalent to a Cyclops is, my earphones didn't fit. The natural thing to do in this situation is to check if the right earphone fits in the left ear. It did. What happened next was nothing short of astounding. The right earphone was a perfect fit for my left ear. I felt like Cinderella.

These prescription earphones help. One of the buds is slightly larger than the other. Also a simple colour coding distinguishes the left from the right. I'd advise to get down to the doctors and get checked out.

The Stephen Fry Of Skea

It's the middle of the night and I'm awoken by the sound of the microwave - BEEP... BEEP. About a minute later - BEEP... BEEP - again. So I decide to investigate and there is a bowl of porridge in the microwave that has been sitting a while. This is no Goldilocks and The Three Bears story. Our microwave beeps once it has heated something until you open the door.

The owner of this porridge could be no other than my very own flatmate Nachy. He has once again returned and attempted to cook a wee snack. On this particular occasion he also managed to turn on everything in the house - the lights in the hall, living room, kitchen, bathroom, bedroom and office. Electrical appliances including the computer and television in both the living room and his own bedroom.

This was a while back, but again, just last night, I got up to the opening of the door and a punch drunk Nachy navigating his way to the kitchen. Yes, you guessed it, to make a snack. Big Soup this time with a bit of toast.

I go back to bed but wake an hour later to find him curled up on the sofa, Big Soup and toast in his belly - and absolutely everything on. The BBC iPlayer had stopped and he had been watching The Wonders Of Science. At least our Nachy had got the grub into him this time. I turned off the TV and went back to bed only to hear him shuffle off to his own a little later.

In the morning I'm woken by his alarm. It goes off for twenty minutes before he wakes. Sometimes he falls out of bed and tries to climb back in but only gets halfway. This is why he's my flatmate.

For Nachy

The Time Traveller's Wife

I knew I shouldn't have set about trying to explain the difference between time travel and teleportation at the club. It would be natural to assume that if you had a time machine you could teleport and vice versa. However as with life ("Life oh life oh life..." - Des'ree), it is not so.


To learn the fundamentals of time travel and teleportation it is necessary to watch two films only. The first concerns the former and is predictably Back To The Future (1985). For teleportation please refer to The Fly (1986). The dates of the films are of no coincidence, one serving to clarify some of the questions left by the other. If you refer to one of my other posts regarding short attention spans and you feel unable to sit through these masterpieces then condensed material exists. An episode of Quantum Leap would suffice the time travel realms whilst The Fly was eloquently parodied by The Simpsons.

Having given you the material there is now the fundamental first law of how not to make friends. Or as I call it, the screening process for interesting friends. To teleport you need two pieces of equipment the secondary of which you place at the required destination. The teleporter is placed where you want to travel from. This differs to time travel in that only the time machine is required. Therefore, by simple logic, you may postulate that you cannot travel back or forward in time with a teleporter as the receiving point must be placed prior to use. Some would say a time machine may be a teleporter but this is beyond the scope of this blog.

What is the point in all of this? Simple - I don't know.
This is not one night stand material.